Sunday, November 6, 2011


Its been a rough couple days

More accurately, its been a rough couple months.

Keep finding myself stand up, only to fall back down. Kinda tiring actually.
I feel like that child that just discovered that not everyone looks like him, you know? The child that notices he's on all fours, but everyone is doing the one-two step.

So, of course, the child tries to do the same.

And falls. Hard.

But he's determined, so he tries again. Still. Falls.


Thats how I feel right now. Like each time I am getting close to my Father, each time everything's going well, I fall. Something comes and blindsides me, and its like this thing within me bursts forth, its ugliness spreading out everywhere, and most awfully, it spreads on He who wakes me up every morning

Every morning. Without fail.

So what is one to do? Give up? The temptation is oh so strong, especially when it seems like though you are getting no help from heaven.

But within me a small voice cries out "I must be about my Father's business. I. Must."

You see, this voice remembers. Remembers the times when I was too blind to see, and He gave me sight. When I was too weak to reach, and He pulled me up. Each time I was lonely, and He was there.

The ever faithful friend. No questions asked, just love unconditional.

So if, for no other reason, no long awaited blessing, no positive note in sight, I must be about my Father's business. I must.

He has given up too much for me to turn back now.

Hebrews 10 vs 39: "But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved."


Thursday, October 27, 2011

Pointed Return


I can't believe it.

2 Years. 2 YEARS I have been away.

So much has happened, so much to tell.........

What brings me back here? That's the nagging question....

The name "Phoenix" dropped in my spirit tonight. And i remembered this blog, and all the hate and the anger it started off with....little did i know back then I was truly, in every sense of the word, a phoenix, being reborn in the love of God.... but I was too confused in pain and hurt to see it then.

What brings me here again? That was the million dollar question right?
It appears another phoenix is arising. One much bigger, much greater, much more grandiose than I can dare to imagine.

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him..." 1 Cor 2:9 NIV

Let the journey begin.


Thursday, December 24, 2009

Step 2: Painkillers anyone?

Thats precisely what i wanted at the time. Painkillers.

Something much stronger than tylenol (wierdly enough, it never works for me). I needed something to dull the pain of the breakup. So i reverted to the only one i knew how to revert to in such situations.


You see, i'd known Him for a while. Growing up in church, it was kinda hard not to. However, we had a kinda pattern going on. Simply put, i called Him when i needed Him. I would run after Him like a dog after a bone.

When i got what i want, i was gone.

So, of course, i cried as i knelt at my bed in the morning, praying for God to take the pain away. Oddly, i think i remember praying not to hate him, because the last thing i needed was to be bitter. The next couple weeks were a blur. February came, and left. Then march came.

A huge week long event happens at my school each spring. I was one of those in charge, so of course i had to attend each event. The final event is a ball/party of sorts. At this event, my friend B came. I had known him for about 3 years, but we had a very wierd relationship. I didn't know much about him, and we only talked when we met at social events. But every time we spoke, we had this amazing chemistry. I remember the semester before he had made my ex mad because he sent me a text asking why my ex followed me everywhere like a dog


Anyway, B came for the party. We had started getting close, and i was glad he came. I was pretty much at his side for most of the night. But then i noticed this girl from another school going after my ex like mosquito to blood. Kinda felt hurt, but i brushed it off.

The following week, i heard they were going out. I can't say it didn't hurt, but what could i do? I knew at the time that i did not want him back, but it was still wierd nevertheless. She came for my friend's bday party with him, and barely left his side. But i never once disliked her or hated her (never really believed in that crap, and i really don't understand why girls do that. I mean, he's the one that hurt you, not the other woman, right? But thats for another post). I just accepted it and moved on.

May came. Semester was over. My plans for internship seemed pretty much sunk, and i was trying to fight panic. What was i going to do for the summer? I didn't want to stay in my small town, that was like suicide. But i didn't want to go and travel and stay with family and not work. So, again, i prayed. And i prayed hard. I realize now that God did not give me a break between my needs ( i jumped right from needing help getting over my ex to need for a summer internship). God is so amazing....He did it so i wouldn't walk away from Him again...My amazing heavenly father...I love Him soo much mehn....

But anyway, back to the story y'all.

School was done. People left town. And Honeywell still did not know what to do with herself. So she prayed harder, and sought God harder. Then the wierd dreams started. Dreams so traumatizing i would literally dread night time because i knew i had to sleep, and i did not want to sleep because of the dreams. My bed felt like a trap. I didn't really have anyone around me, and so i didn't have anyone i could talk to anyone about it. Lord it was hard. But it was only the beginning.....

Tune in to the next post. Sorry if it seems jumbled, its 2.17am and i'm full on honey nut cheerios and my eyes are drooping...

Merry Christmas y'all and Happy Birthday Jesus!! (I hope you get a BIG cake in heaven. :))


Monday, December 14, 2009

The Breakup

This is the story of I and my ex.

He was the first one i can say i had sex with. He is also the first one i was actually in a relationship the longest with. He is also the one i think i came closest to loving (notice i did not say i loved him).

He also was the one that God got me away from.

We met last fall. The chemistry was ridiculous. After a couple months, in a slightly tipsy state, i agreed to date him (after he had asked me 3 different times and i said no).

Shortly after, i went to nigeria. Missed him a lot. Couldn't wait to get back to him. But then, even before i left, we fought. Often. After i came back, we kept fighting. Over silly stuff. At the back of my mind, i knew that it wasn't going to work. I didn't have the strength to leave though. Then i stopped caring about him altogether. Was strange. Didn't really understand my emotions.

Then came the fateful day. I was driving home from the mall, when my bank called me. A pleasant voice on the other end of the line asked me, "Ma'am, did you recently make a donation to an islamic scholarship?"

I am not muslim y'all.

A series of other questions followed. Before i knew it, i was rushing back to school, to my bank. They had closed. The lady was nice enough to print out for me the last couple transactions.

Over $500 was missing from my account.

I was stunned. I called my ex, and went to go and meet him on campus. Sat down in a conference room and cried. He was distant. Seeing as he wasn't going to be any use to me, i wanted to drop him wherever he wanted to go. Went home, and started thinking of how i would deal with the mess. The bank lady had told me that the bank cannot refund me the stolen money, and I would have to call the merchants and beg for my money back.

No one picked my calls.

I was finally told my some lady working for Proactiv that it seems like some orders were made using my back account info to be delivered to an apartment in my apartment complex.

Armed with this information among other things, i headed to the police station. I sat there for over an hour, alone. The station was empty. An impersonal voice through a speaker on the wall informed me intermittently that an officer will be with me soon. Still had not heard from my boyfriend. Other people called to check up on me. Not one word from him.

The officer finally came. He asked me a couple questions. He seemed rather impatient, to tell the truth. It started to look like he thought i was making up the whole story, for whatever reason. He finally asked me to come outside to his car to make a statement. I asked him why we couldn't do it inside, and he responded like i was retarded and asked me again to step outside. As i was about to write a statement, i realized that the whole thing was futile, and he was probably going to trash my statement. So i decided to decline, and i entered my car. I was tired, hungry, and very frustrated. I called my boyfriend. I asked him why he hadn't even bothered to check up on me.

Then he told me he wanted to break up.

I realized shortly after that i wasn't mad at him for breaking up with me. Truth be told, i knew it wouldn't go anywhere. What i had trouble with was the betrayal.

We were friends before we started going out. What kind of a friend abandons their friend in such a time? I felt that even if he wanted to break up with me, he could have at least waited till the next day. I know i know, silly eh? But oh well... i remember, during the recovery phase, God took me to this passage:

"Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces."

Matthew chapter 7 vs 6.

I think afterward i was a zombie. Oh, i still had fun, still hung out with friends. But when i went to bed at night......its an experience i never want to go through again.

More on my road to redemption coming soon...

Love y'all! :D

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Where has Phoenix gone?

That is the question of the year: Where has phoenix gone?

I'm still here. Still surviving. Still strong.

A lot of things have been happening in my life.

God called me, and i answered..... entered into the most beautiful relationship that man can encounter...literally. Never really understood when people always said "Have an intimate relationship with God"..... till He showed me what that meant.... the One that will never leave you, never forsake you, is always there, always understands, always comforts, always disciplines, always loves regardless of your dumb, stupid, selfish decisions... y'all, i can boast about Him all day....but those of you that know Him know what i mean...

Went through a wonderful and hellish summer at the same thing (isn't it wonderful how God can make a seemingly unbearable situation one of the most exciting times in your life). A trying semester. New friendships, a lot of growing up, amongst other things. Had my ex boyfriend that broke up with me in January confess he never got over me.....dealt with the temptation to go back to him, and finally moved on.... because i realized that i can never truly be happy knowing that i am doing something that my Father does not want me to do, and it'll only end up hurting me.....

There is a lot of gist, and a lot of stories... really hard to blog in the middle of the semester because of work and all (plus not having internet in my house kinda has something to do with it). I kinda miss blogsville though, and i miss telling stories and sharing opinions.... Maybe i might start that again. Maybe. Who knows these things? :)

But i want to tell the most important story of all: the story about how i met God (not face to face, before y'all get creeped out)..


Sunday, November 22, 2009

Saturday, October 10, 2009


Imagine yourself in your car at a redlight.

Now imagine an 18 wheeler beside you. Its early morning, sun is just coming up. The

shadow of the 18 wheeler is completely over you.

Which would you rather be hit by; the 18 wheeler, or the shadow of the 18 wheeler?

Realise that God allowed the 18 wheeler to hit Jesus, so that the shadow (which can't

hurt) hit you.

I look at my God

At how big and holy He is,

And I catch this cold feeling

My bones dry up.

But I remember the Love of Christ

And His love infuses into my body and makes new bones and tissues.

And I realise that

With all my sin

It is a blessing I enter His temple and not get struck to death.