Sunday, December 30, 2007

So fresh and so clean.

If i thought my holiday could not get any more interesting..... i was wrong.

Dead wrong.

This is what happened to me today.

I slept at like 6am this morning...... got up at 4pm this afternoon...I looked around....Jydo was not here, and neither was timo. Oh well. I stretched and reached for my lappy... No interesting mail. Oh well, let me go and take a shower and then figure out how to get a car for my trip to ottawa tomorrow....

I grabbed my lappy and plugged it in the bathroom. Glanced at the jacuzzi and thought i will be with you soon my love.
I started blasting music and i got into the shower. Washed my hair (this boy's shampoo smells awesome) and started soaping down. Amy Winehouse's Rehab started, and i crooned along. They tried to make me go to rehab and i said no no no


I was like wtf are these guys doing?
I continued singing in the shower

honeywell: you guys stop now, i told you i had the shower first, i am almost done.



I peeked through the curtain and i saw i gun

amy winehouse: i don't ever want to drink again.... I just.. i just neeed a friend....

honeywell: jydo where the hell did you get a gun


I peeked out further and saw a white hand attached to the gun. With soap suds all over me, i grabbed my towel and walked out of the shower. 2 white policemen with bullet proof vests tossed a blanket and some shoes at me. Follow me please....

amy winehouse: they tried to make me go to rehab but i said no no no

I'm like what the hell is going on?
I walk outside with the police man. The cold air immediately froze all the soap suds on me. I looked around, and saw 7 cop cars. SEVEN. Oh my goodness...

I was shoved into one of the cars and had it locked when i got in. I looked over and saw one of jydo's roomates, zane, in the other car. Oh lord, don't tell me someone in this house does drugs oh, i cannot afford to have a police record.

I started laughing in the car. Then i realised it is not a good sign to be laughing by myself in a police car, so i calmed down. Then i started talking to myself. I then realised that does not look good either, so i stopped. I decided to take stock of the situation. 3 nigerians, 4 pakistani. Oh my goodness, 3 black people and 4 terrorists. I am in it today.

I peeked outside the car. Neighbours where taking pictures. Jydo was handcuffed, and so was timo. Fresh boi and fresh boi's brother came out of their house and walked past the car i was in. I waved, and fresh boi was so shocked he slipped on ice and fell right in the middle of the road. I laughed my ass off..
A police guy came to the car to get my information
Police: what's your name?
Honeywell: Honeywell.......
Police: Address?
Honeywell: xxxxxxxxx
Police: What are you doing in canada all the way from louisiana?
Honeywell: why do people keep asking me this question for crissakes?
He then told me that someone called in and said some kind of road rage was going on and that someone in a black bmw pointed a gun.
Honeywell: my my my, that's just to bad *fluttering eyelashes*

What, the guy was cute!

Police: Well, we will be releasing you soon so that you can finish your shower. We are not assholes..... ok, we are.. but we will let you finish your shower.
Honeywell: Why, thank you!

I was later released, after which i was now friends with mark, timothy and andy (the cops)
Policemen: Have a good one!
Honeywell: Bye y'all! Happy new year!

There is nothing i have not seen in canada. First boy and girl wahala, then near homelessness, then trips to 4 different cities in the space of 3 days, parties, a near collision with a truck, and now this. Happy New Year people!

7 Wierd things

I have been seeing this all over blogsville, and i decided to do mine while i am waiting for this xxx to wake up :D

1. I hate yoghurt. Absolutely hate it. Muiiler or Yoplait or whatever it is, sugared up, strawberried and all, i still hate it. Gimme some goddamn ice cream any day :)

2. I don't really react to cute babies, or babies, period. Seriously. When girls are like "Oh, he's so cute!" or "Ain't she precious!", i just give the recommended hmms and ahhs, but to be honest, i don't feel a damn thing. I don't hate them or anything like that, not at all. I just to feel the same excitement and euphoria everyone else seems to feel.

3. I rebound quickly. Its wierd. And when i mean rebound, i mean i can be mad belligerent one second, and all smiles the next. No matter how bad someone hurts me, i still find it in me to find something good about them and want to forgive them, contrary to what my brain and my imagination wants to do.......but i guess that's a good thing....

4. I think old people are cute. Seriously. Not cute as in hot, but cute the same way people think babies are cute.

5. I talk to myself often. I talk myself through situations (i honestly prefer my own advice to anyone else's). I talk to myself sometimes when walking when i am trying to organise the 5 million things i have to do. I talk out loud to myself when i am alone and i am trying to rationalize a situation, or look it at from another person's perspective. Since i am the most interesting person i know, how can i help not talk to myself? hehehe......

6. I love the smell of gas (or fuel, anyone you prefer). I don't know why. Especially gas stations in naija..... Ah, bliss.....

7. I really hate eavesdropping. Seriously. And i know some people dont mind listening in, but i think mine is extreme.When someone is on the phone beside me, i block my mind to them, so i don't hear what they are saying. Even when drama is unfolding right in front of me, except i am told "honeywell, you can stay, honestly" i'd rather not stay. Let's just say i have a paranoid fear of invading people's privacy (probably because i hate when people are all up in my business when i did not invite them in).

ok, let's make it 8.

8. I sometimes crave isolation. Badly. When i am in school, i hate people being in my house for too long or too often because sometimes i just badly need my own space.....If i need company, shebi i will go out? I love hanging out with friends, i really do, but sometimes i get hit with this incredible need to be by myself.... just go home, eat, get some ice cream (Strawberry shortcake) and curl up under the covers and watch tv......

ok, so i lied. 9.

9. I sleep extremely well when it is raining. Every time it rains, i never know till i wake up. I sleep best when it is raining. I don't know why. Wierd huh?

On another note, this year has been extremely interesting. I had to grow up in a lot of ways, and i am definitely not the person i was at the beginning of this year, seriously. My thinking has definitely changed. I will talk about it all soon (i know i have been promising gist, but like i said, i have to obtain copyright for some of it). As soon as i recover from the disease of laziness, i will start. Happy New year people!

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

The Big Sexy.

So i landed in oshawa, CA.

My esteemed friends decided that it was time that we go out and have some fun.....After all, when you have 4 girls and 6 boys in one house, everyone will want to shake bodi.....:D

So. This is how the night went.

We dressed up (which took 4 hours, i have never seen such guys that behave like housewives before. They even bicker over cologne for crissakes). Then we all piled into 4 cars and drove to toronto. When we got there, we girls were craving shawarma, so we got some. We hit a party there, but the guys RANDOMLY had a sudden craving to watch I AM LEGEND, so we started driving back to oshawa. Stupidity upon stupidity. Girls screaming, guys shouting....aaahh, bliss....:D

We got to the theatre and watched the movie. Was good, i must say. And then all of a sudden, Fresh boi says: LETS GO TO BIG SEXY.

I'm like "wth is big sexy?"

I was apparently about to find out.

We wandered round the whole down town looking for parking. We finally found some kind spot, and we proceeded to fall out of the car (yes, someone actually fell out) and started walking in the cold to the club. We got there, and we lined up outside. Looked around, no fine guys (shit!), but i still held hope for the heaven within. The guys behind us, we walked up to the bouncer. He looks at my license. "You are from Louisiana? What are you doing here?" Like southerners cannot come to canada. Hidiot oshi. But moving on....

So i walk in (one of the girls ran in when the girl collecting the money was not looking), and the music causes my eardrums to give out for some seconds. It was way too loud. After my ears adjusted, i realised that the club had white people. A whole lot of white people. I don't have anything against white people, i have just accepted the fact that my soul craves dark chocolate, not white chocolate. So, we sidled over to a corner on some stage like thing, and survey the large room. People gyrating in no certain manner, to a song that made no sense. Seriously. All i heard was "thump thump thump thump thump thump" with the occasional screaming. My friend gives me this look like "wth are we doing here" and i shrug and sigh.
The guys come up, looking hot, and went to get us some drinks. I sip mine, and i looked around the room again. Noticed 2 girls in some cage trying very hard to be sexy but failing woefully. They grinded each other, grinded themselves, went to the floor, came back up, grinded the metal pole, all to no avail (poor chiquitas).

We moved back down, and decided if you can't beat them, join them. So we start dancing, all the while making fun of people. There was this one boy and girl. The boy kept bouncing. Right Left Right Left Right Left Right Left. The girl that was supposed to be grinding him was going left right left right left right left right. Needless to say, it was hilarious (I wonder why white people can't dance. But that is for another blog).
I saw this fine dude, and i waved and winked. He came over, and we chatted a little, but i soon discovered that my girls did not like my male attention. They literally pulled me away. I was not upset, i couldn't hear anything he was saying anyway (am i the only one that does the occasional chuckle and demure smile when i can't hear?). I sip my drink again, and stop dancing to survey the club some more. It struck me then that all the black guys in the club were standing still, and only the white people were moving. I laughed so hard i choked on my drink.

The Dj apparently decided to have mercy on us, and started playing southern music (i'd crank that soulja boy any day). However, Jay Z in a high pitched voice does not exactly get my hips rocking, but we made do anyway. After a while, we got our groove going. While i was in the zone, some guy sidled up behind me and started grinding me. Now, all through the night, people had been rude to us (shoving past us, almost knocking us down, or leering at us). So, this action being the straw that broke the camel's back, i turned, leaned in seductively and whispered "if you come near me again, i think you might loose your opportunity to make babies"

Then they started playing reggae. I stopped to catch my breath, only to see some strange things. An old white lady (say late 40's) was gyrating all over the place in no certain way, slapping people with her extra long hair. Did i mention she was slightly obese? Also, this one guy and girl on my left were "dancing". Let me explain. He was grinding her hard, like, painfully hard, and had an arm around her neck. The girl was turning blue, so i walked over to the guy and told him to let go, the poor girl was being strangled. After he let go, he grabbed her breasts furiously and continued. Sigh. Anyway, one other poor girl was being sandwich between 5 guys. They kept tapping her so bad she fell on the floor. As in, fell hard.

When the club closed, we all got into the car, went home, and started watching a movie. All in all, a fun night.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

For Patrick and all Others

I remember when you used to kiss me

Silent communication, telling me you love me with your kiss because you were too afraid to say it out loud.

You'd hold my

face softly, gently, like it was something very precious.

Your hand would go down to my abs, softly stroking, loving, caressing

I'd break off the kiss, and disappoinment flashes across your face

Soon to be replaced by ecstasy as i kiss your most erotic place.

You kiss my neck and go down from there

Caress my breasts, roll your thumb around and around and around and around and around

Until i can stand it no more and i mount and offer my breast to you.

As a peace offering.

You smile, and accept my offering.

Sweet wetness, photons of joy

I try to control my moaning.

Determined to push me over, you go down

Kissing my abs




Till you are almost there

Then you kiss around it

Inside my inner thigh

I beg you to stop

You look up and smile

You turn your attention to my other thigh

Anticipation is almost unbearable

Then you stop all motion

And stare into my eyes

A beautiful mixture of love and lust

You tell me with your eyes what your mind refuses you to say with your lips

And then you go in for the finale............


Friday, December 21, 2007


Ok, there is a lot i really want to talk about... These past couple of weeks have been crazy (i hinted about it in my previous post). But i don't have the time right now. The guy that my ex hooked me up with is HOT!!!!! Yesu Christi! But i must hold myself, so as not to cause more drama.... But as soon as i can, i will give the full story..... Right now, i am enjoying the $100 Irish Cream he bought for me, while my ex squirms with jealousy...:D Merry Christmas Everyone!


Ok, is it just me, or is it really the best thing to face a problem square on?

All my life, i have met people who absolutely refuse to deal with a problem unless they have no other option. As long as their legs are working, they will keep running. Even when they get paralysed, their speed in a wheelchair will rival a nascar racer any day.

I don't understand it. I am not a confrontational person by nature. I just truly believe that the best way to deal with a problem is to deal with it. Face it square on. Let me give an example.

I had this friend, a girl (no one does drama like a girl). We had been friends for 2 years. Her entire family here in the states knows me, her mom knows me, i have stayed at her cousins place for a whole summer and the whole of last xmas. So when she started giving me attitude last xmas, i was like wtf? but i talked to her about it, and we were cool.

Then summer came along, and she stared misbehaving. I tried talking to her, but it did not help. Seeing as we were 5 girls in the house, i did not feel a pressing need to cling at her side. So i simply ignored the behavior. I left her house after summer school was over, and she was all nice and sweet at the airport. Then for 2 weeks, no word from her..... (From someone who basically used to stalk me with phone calls). Weeks turned into months. Now, i did call her once in a while, but she never picked up. Left voice messages, asking her to talk about it, but to no response.

I remember this funny day. I was at a baby shower (seeing as there was alcohol, i think it was a party, but you know how we naija people do). I was in the car, about to go to the after party, when she sends me a txt saying that ok, she is now ready to talk about my grieviances. I was like heifer, i dont know what you are talking about. I have been trying to contact you for over 2 months, and this is the response i get. That episode sha ended.

So one fine sunday evening, while curled up, watching a recap of ANTM, i called her, and to my suprise, she picked. She started with the how are you hon and all that business. I was like ok, let's cut to the chase. What is the problem (i hate pretending like there is no problem when there clearly is one). To my chagrin (it actually made me laugh), she could not remember why she was mad at me. So i was like ok, you have not spoken to me in over 4 months for a reason you cannot remember, correct? I don't understand people sometimes. A simple conversation a long time ago would have solved all this.

So yeah. My point is: no matter how daunting it may be, try talking your problems out. At the end of the day, one usually finds out that it was not such a big deal after all.


Thursday, December 20, 2007

Rant. Hehehe.

I am stuck in canada.
Me, a loving southerner, stuck in canada.

I know i said i always wanted to see snow, but it is enough now, chai!
I am stuck in canada, and i can't wait to get back to MD.
I miss my family and my friends.

Meanwhile, not only am i stuck here, i am stuck in the sickest love triangle ever.
And we are all under the same roof.

When i get out of here, i will definitely write about it. Probably make a story out of it.
Being stuck in a strange country under the same roof with members of the same love triangle and being rescued by my ex who is still madly in love with me should make for a good read :D

PS: the funny thing is, she really is a sweetheart..... but like i said, full gist comes later!

Monday, December 17, 2007

The Eyes cannot wait for the day to look back and laugh
and snort
and giggle
With the help of the Nose
After a while, all cherished things become a blur
As the Brain makes space for the next encounter
As boy meets girl.

So sick of apologising
Trying to explain away Stuff
Being made the bad guy because of all this

How is it my fault?
Why should I be blamed?
No apologies have been heard
No attempt at understanding observed
Left to do damage control
When it isn't my fault

Left to deal with the irritation
Left out in the cold with no one except a plastic smile

"More reconstructive surgery I see.... please pass the anaesthesia"

Tried again to see if I could get some sympathy for my plight
But all I got was a smack on my skin and a plastic smile
What do you expect? Mannequins are just empty shells

The Spewing of selfish pronouns would make any narcissist proud
Don't hate me, don't walk out of my life
No, everything in me is revulsed by your presence.
A clown can be a demon underneath

Maybe I'll be back. Maybe I won't.
Makes no difference anyway
I have finally gotten my peace back
I won't be decieved by you again.


Wednesday, December 12, 2007


Ok, i have never been big on Christmas (fake people smiling, drug dealers dressing up as santa to make some money for more dope, excessive, superficial merriment)
But my opinion is not what counts right now... We get so caught up in our lives and the drama that is living that we forget that people have more struggles than we do..... the guy that begs for change at the corner might not need to it for drugs, he might need it for the last meal he might have before he gets shot in gang crossfire... the little girl that you see everyday on the train that smiles at you may actually dread going home because she knows that daddy is going to come into her room a good girl for daddy honey and raise your skirt up and take off your underwear the way i taught you too... that's a good girl........ Your friend that's addicted to meth-amphetamines has decided that this christmas, its time to quit, but your condemnation is not helping............. your friend that is pregnant needs your support, not your constant sniping behind her back....

So this is what i am saying , in a nutshell: This christmas, its not all about you, its not all about your opinion about everyone else, this christmas, let it be about someone else.... And you will realise that, when you go outside of yourself, you are actually giving back to yourself. So baby, GIVE to yourself this Christmas.